Had a conversation with God on the way home from a full moon meditation circle tonight. The group had talked about release and everyone shared something significant they’re working to let go of. I shared mine, which is a deep friendship that died a year ago, almost to the day. Twelve months later and the pain is still poignant, so much so that it’s always the thing I visualize/verbalize/try to actualize when in these types of safe spaces.
And I don’t like that.
I told God that I know it takes time to heal (I went through this same intensity years ago so I know the routine) but that I felt like there was something either I was doing to hold up progress or not doing to speed progress along. Told God I didn’t want to keep holding on to this hurt, that I want to truly let it go.
Then Spirit asked, “Do you really?”
Did I REALLY want to let go of the pain?
But I suddenly realized that, on a subconscious level, maybe I DIDN’T want to let go. In that moment, I saw a new truth: that the pain from my friend’s departure was all I had left, and that I was holding on to the hurt as a way of still holding on to the relationship. As Self-destructive as it is emotionally, it’s been my way of keeping the relationship alive.
Spirit showed me how I was in my own way. Yet, with the light of this epiphany comes a lighter feel in my heart. I know that I’m still grieving, and I know I still need to give my Self time. But I also know I’ve taken a big step forward in my healing with this realization.
And eventually, no matter how long it takes, I’ll be able to truly let go.